Building Emotional Intelligence as a Leader: How Our Brain Shapes Our Emotions

Emotional intelligence (EI) has become commonplace in business since Daniel Goleman’s work in the late 1990s. At its core, it is a deeply neurological process. Advances in neuroscience have illuminated how our brain governs emotional regulation, empathy, and decision-making—key components of EI. Understanding the biological mechanisms behind EI can help us develop strategies to enhance its use. It is essential for leaders, managers, and anyone looking to improve collaboration, adaptability and emotional awareness in a work setting.

EI is the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves and for managing emotions effectively.

The iceberg visual explains how competencies can be understood and developed.

What is visible are behaviors and habits (above the waterline). Our self-perception – how we see ourselves (intentions) may not align with how others perceive us (actions). The ability to close the gap between self-perception and reputation lies in the EI competencies. Competencies exist on a continuum from autopilot (unconscious) to well-developed (conscious competence).

The Emotional Social Competency Inventory (ESCI) Model, developed by Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatzis, describes 12 competencies in four domains. The four domains are self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.

The Brain’s Role in Emotional Intelligence

I have spent eight years studying the neuroscience of conversation, also called Conversational IntelligenceⓇ (C-IQ). This has taught me that long before behaviors show up above the waterline, the unconscious biological systems in our bodies interpret information and process emotions.

- - The Limbic System and Emotional Processing
    The amygdala plays a critical role in processing emotions, particularly fear and anxiety. The primitive brain protects humans from physical danger. It triggers the reaction of fight, flight, freeze, or appease. Without some additional tools, this part of the brain can’t distinguish between physical danger and danger to our ego.
  - The Prefrontal Cortex and Emotional Regulation
    This part of the brain helps us manage impulses, make rational decisions, and regulate emotions effectively. Strong emotional intelligence is often tied to heightened activity in the prefrontal cortex, allowing individuals to remain calm under stress.
  - Mirror Neurons and Empathy
    Neuroscientists have found that mirror neurons enable us to understand and share the emotions of others. These neurons are fundamental to empathy, a key pillar of EI.

How do you Develop Self-Awareness?

The heart of the EI model is Self-Awareness. It starts with your ability to understand your emotions, motivations, strengths, and shadow areas. It enables you to sustain emotionally and socially intelligent behavior over time.

Understanding the concept of building self-awareness is one thing, but how do you develop it? The first question to ask is Where am I? I love this short video from The Conscious Leadership Group that illustrates this point. If you are below the line, you are committed to being right, defensive and closed. If you are above the line, you are open, curious, committed to learning and listen deeply. When we are below the line, there is no possibility of a positive outcome in a conversation or a team collaboration.

Start with the Conversational IntelligenceⓇ tool of “What We Can Learn from our Worst Conversations.”

- - Was either person addicted to being right?
  - Did you experience the “Tell-Sell-Yell” syndrome? (Tell them once, try to sell them why you are right, then yell!)
  - Did you ask questions that you already knew the answers to?

If you said YES to any of these questions, you are operating from your primitive brain. The amygdala has activated cortisol, keeping you in a protective distrust state. How do we shift from this part of our brain? Recognize the neurological response and find ways to head off the fears. Understand where the fears may be coming from, and work backward to find a solution.

How do you sideline these signals from the amygdala?

- - Notice how you react to threats (fight, flight, freeze, appease)
  - Acknowledge this reaction
  - Notice if you always choose the same reaction and how much the threat impacts you
  - Choose an alternative way to react in the moment (mindfulness techniques: breathe in, breathe out, express how you are feeling)
  - Become more aware of your responses and realize you can override your emotions and shift to other responses

To gain more tools on how to build the emotional intelligence competency of Self-Awareness, check out the C-IQ Mini-Series podcast episode of Minutes with Mary & Deb Shannon called, “Know Yourself”

Emotional intelligence is not just a soft skill—it is deeply rooted in neuroscience. By understanding how our brain processes emotions and social interactions, we can cultivate a greater sense of awareness, empathy, and control over our feelings. Whether in leadership, relationships, or personal well-being, developing EI is both a psychological and neurological journey.

Interested in learning more? Check out our other blog posts:

Emotional Intelligence is the Leadership Game Changer

Listening to Connect: Neuroscience, Coaching and Conversational Intelligence