Livestream Interview | The Helping Conversation Podcast As you may know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In years past, May passed without me giving much thought to how my mental health was. It is the start of Spring here in the upper Midwest with the flowers and trees growing exponentially every day. It always lifts my spirits as a time of renewal and possibility. And over the last two “Mays”, as humans, we have lived through incredible challenges and grief. The murder of George Floyd in May 2020 and many other traumas we have endured. The global pandemic has resulted in required isolation. All of these factors weigh heavily on the human spirit, even for those who have vibrant and robust mental health. For 2021’s Mental Health Awareness Month, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) amplified the message of “You Are Not Alone.” They focused on the healing value of connecting in safe ways, prioritizing mental health and acknowledging that it’s okay to not be okay. Now more than ever, we need to lift up ways to stay connected with our community. The most powerful way to stay connected is through conversation. During May, I was honored to be invited as a guest on Keith Greer’s “The Helping Conversation” podcast. Keith is also a certified Conversational Intelligence® coach. The Helping Conversation podcast explores conversations that “focus on supporting a person in the moment, and/or, supporting the overall growth and development of a person, group or organization.” Having conversations that build trust, increase our sense of belonging and belief that we are not alone. Click here to watch our interview with “The Helping Conversation” podcast.
Listen to the entire Conversational Intelligence® Mini-Series Podcast! Several years ago, I took part in a 7-month course on Conversational Intelligence®, (also known as C-IQ) facilitated by Judith E. Glaser. The curriculum explored how parts of the brain influence the outcome of conversations. While attending a virtual gathering on Martin Luther King Jr. holiday this year, I had the privilege of connecting with Deb Shannon, another certified C-IQ coach. We decided to launch this mini-series podcast to offer tools to support the conversations that we are called to have during this time. We are living in an era that has rocked our foundation on so many levels: the global pandemic, racial reckoning, economic collapse, and the climate crisis. We hope you enjoy this six-part mini-series on Conversational Intelligence®! Episode 1 – Know Yourself In the first episode of the Conversational Intelligence® mini-series, Deb and I will begin with some of the foundational building blocks for having difficult conversations. Episode 2 – Three Levels of Conversation In this episode, Deb and I will discuss the three levels of conversation and how you can identify what level of conversation you are having. Then we’ll provide some tips about how to level up or level down to achieve great outcomes! Episode 3 – Conversational Agility: Reframe, Refocus, Redirect In Episode 3 of the Conversational Intelligence® mini-series, Deb and I discuss how we can get clarity about definitions and terms, in moments of uncertainty. We’ll pull back the curtain on the meaning of Double Clicking and provide concrete examples of how to ask for the deeper meaning of a word or commonly used phrases. When a meaningful conversation requires more than mutual agreement of definitions, we use conversational agility to reframe, refocus and redirect the mindset of the speaker, which opens access to different parts of the brain. Using these tools ensures that at the end of a meeting your team agrees on much more than definitions. Episode 4 – Navigating Conversational Assumptions In this episode, Deb and I discuss tools to remap relationships toward greater trust and navigate conversations with greater success. When things start to go awry in conversations it is often due to conversational assumptions. If you can become more aware of these assumptions, you will have higher-quality conversations with others. Episode 5 – Navigating Conversational Assumptions Part 2 In this episode, Deb and I discuss more tools to remap relationships toward greater trust and navigate conversations with greater success. When things start to go awry in conversations it is often due to assumptions we make from an ‘I’ mindset, rather than a ’We’ mindset. When you are more aware of your own thought processes, experiences, and assumptions, you can shift them to consider the larger picture and the result…higher quality conversations! Episode 6 – Mary & Deb’s Favorite Conversational Intelligence Tips & Tools In our final episode of the Conversational Intelligence® mini-series, Deb and I will recap some of our favorite tips and tools to put at your fingertips listeners, so that you can muster the “will” to have that next challenging conversation. “Minutes with Mary” episodes are available on the following platforms: Spotify, iTunes, Google Podcasts, iHeart Radio and Stitcher
Tools for Courageous Conversations As we enter this new year, I can’t help but think about the changes that I wish to see in 2021. One of the most pressing issues that our nation currently faces is racial injustice. In May 2020, the world watched people take to the streets across the United States with outrage caused by the horrific killing of a black man, George Floyd. Unfortunately, George Floyd’s story is not the first time we’ve seen acts of extreme racial injustice in our country, however, his story has brought light to the long-standing structural issue of racism that can no longer be ignored. The Biden administration has made it clear that tackling racial injustice is one of its top priorities, and as community members, we all share a responsibility in creating a better, more just world for everyone. Learning how to have conversations about white privilege, white supremacy, racism and racial injustice is the first step in resolving these deep rooted issues. This seems like a simple first step, but in reality, addressing difficult topics is never easy. So, how do we have these types of conversations? Where do we begin? To better understand how to have difficult conversations, Vista Global will be launching a mini-series of podcast episodes that highlight the important role that Conversational Intelligence (C-IQ) plays in engaging in hard conversation. To kick off this series, we have created a toolkit for tips on getting started. Tools for Courageous Conversations Recently, I completed certification as a Conversational Intelligence coach. When starting your courageous conversation, it’s helpful to have the right tools on hand that assist with making the connection between neuroscience and the quality and effectiveness of our conversations. 1. Know Yourself In order to empathize with someone else, you need to be in tune with yourself. Look to understand your personal triggers—in other words, the comments or questions that send your brain to a place of protection or defensiveness. When we become defensive, we obstruct our ability to have a productive conversation. Take a moment to reflect on a recent high-stress conversation. What did you experience physically, emotionally, and mentally? Learning from our worst conversations helps us avoid those traps in the future. 2. Make Trust Your Goal The level of trust in a relationship has the single greatest impact on the quality of a conversation. Every interaction, big or small, is an opportunity to build trust with others, even if you don’t think you see eye to eye. 3. Recognize Assumptions When things go off track in a conversation, it’s often because there is a gap between intention and impact. Our intention is what we hope our words communicate, and the impact is what the receiver understands. The gap between intention and impact is a conversational “reality gap.” The easiest way to recover is to use a tool called “Double-Clicking.” Double-clicking means following up with additional questions to confirm that the listener understands your intention. We often assume that others understand what we mean, but this assumption can lead to friction and misunderstandings. Double-clicking helps close the gap between what the speaker means and what the listener hears. Each of these tools will help you engage in courageous conversations with compassion and confidence. Courage is needed in conversations in all areas of our lives. NOW is the time to take that step. Need help framing your next #CourageousConversation? Stay tuned for the podcast mini-series launching soon! Check out my blog series below on the full Conversational Intelligence toolkit, or get in touch for coaching on how to start your next courageous conversation. Blog Series Listening to Connect: The Neuroscience of Coaching and Conversational Intelligence What We Can Learn from Our Worst Conversations Creating the Environment: Moving from Distrust to Trust Avoid Assumptions To Navigate the Conversational Highway Asking Questions For Which You Have No Answers Build Your Conversation Agility: Align Your Intention With Your Impact Developing the “I Inside the We” Which Brain is Driving Your Conversation?
The Importance of Upstream Reciprocity During COVID-19 As we continue to ride the unpredictable wave of COVID-19, many of us are feeling a shift in our emotional wellness. It is not uncommon to have a shift in mental wellbeing, especially when faced with large amounts of change and uncertainty. This emotional rollercoaster can lead to communication disconnects, efficiency issues, and overall lack of motivation and feeling of lesser value in the workplace. As leaders, how can we prevent our team from experiencing an emotional lull? Check in With Your Team Since March, life as we once knew it has changed. Many people have been uprooted from their jobs or homes, and organizations have been forced to adopt work from home strategies. As we transition into this “new reality” and continue to adapt to the constant changing ways of life, it can be hard to feel grounded. By reaching out to your team members each day, it lets them know that you’re thinking of them and that their work is valued. This can be as simple as a text, iChat, WhatsApp message, “How is your day going?” This is also a good time to check in on their work-life balance. Many people, especially those who have children, have had to put on the hats of parent, teacher and childcare providers, all while trying to accomplish a 40-hour work week. By checking in, it lets your team know that they aren’t alone and gives you a better sense of those who may need additional support to navigate these uncertain times. Show Appreciation and Gratitude According to a study conducted by the University of Melbourne, “The significant relationship between gratitude and job satisfaction suggests that organizational leaders can aim to boost job satisfaction by regularly prompting grateful emotions.” When working remotely, hard work can often go unnoticed. By showing gratitude towards completed projects, goals, or tasks, your team members will feel acknowledged and appreciated. Here are four simple ways to help your team feel seen and appreciated. Encourage Social Connecting, Not Distancing Much of the world is in the first phases of reopening, however “social distancing” is still being encouraged. Although it is important to remain physically distanced from one another, maintaining social connections with friends, family, and colleagues is vital for your emotional wellbeing. As a leader, encourage your team to participate in virtual social or happy hours. This promotes social connections within your organization and gives your colleagues an opportunity to check in on one another. By providing a sense of community, your team is likely to feel more motivated and at ease during these uncertain times.
Three Steps to Managing Your Energy This Season As the year winds down and the days shorten, I find that my energy level starts to drop. The “Happy Lamp” that I have on my desk throughout the year is turned on more hours and I recognize that I need to be more mindful and intentional about managing the energy in my personal gas tank. The article written by Tony Schwartz called “Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time” always comes to mind this time of year. No matter how many hours we work, if we have low levels of energy, our productivity will suffer. Schwartz states that energy comes from four major wellsprings in human beings: the body, emotions, mind and spirit. In each of these areas, we can expand and renew energy, if we establish simple rituals that are intentional, scheduled and ultimately become automatic. I have found that I have varying levels of recharging to keep my energy tank full. Some rituals are micro-behaviors, some behaviors are moderate and then there are the deep dive recharging rituals. Here are some rituals that work for me: Disconnect from technology: We live in a connected world and technology is ever present. It is an energy drain so to reduce that drain, I charge my phone in the kitchen overnight and I don’t look at it until after breakfast. It allows me to shut down fully at night and ease into my day. Walk the dog: This is literal and figurative. I have had a dog for decades of my life and it forces me to get away from the computer and get outside for 20 minutes, a couple of times a day. If you don’t have a dog, you can create a meeting appointment called, “Walk the Dog” to get away from the desk. Go to your happy place: This is the deep dive.. Annually (this time of year).. I go to Hawaii for renewal to soak up the sunlight and watch the waves, turtles, dolphins, and rainbows. It reconnects me to the gifts of this planet and fills the wellsprings of mind, body and spirit. As we launch into the next decade, I encourage you to explore new rituals and practice recharging your mind and body. This blog was originally published on Thrive Global December 26, 2019.
Belonging is our birthright: Using Conversational Intelligence® to create radical inclusion Over the last year, I have had an accelerated awakening of how to engage in the dismantling of the inequities in our society. As I write that statement, I feel a great sense of responsibility to move from learning to action. As I mentioned in a recent blog, “How do we actually ‘Be the Change We want to See?’”, I recently completed certification in Conversational Intelligence®. This certification strengthened my understanding of the impact that words have in building or dismantling trust. One aspect of completion of the certification was a capstone project. I challenged myself to explore how to use C-IQ tools and skills in the Equity, Diversity and Inclusion (EDI) context. Many of the C-IQ skills have built my capacity to act when I experience or witness microaggressions. The greatest challenge when experiencing or witnessing a microaggression is to regulate our reaction so that we can educate and raise visibility about bias and move toward establishing equity. Within .07 seconds of being 10 feet of someone(1), our brain is determining if this person is a friend or foe. If there is any indication of how the person looks, acts, speaks that seems unfamiliar, the amygdala in our brain pumps cortisol to protect us and we go to the primitive section of our brain. The primitive brain saved us from the lions when we were in the earliest stages of human development. Cortisol has a shelf-life of 26 hours(2), leaving a lasting impact on our perceptions. This is how bias begins to form. We have the capacity to deprogram and unlearn our bias and Conversational Intelligence® provides these tools by examining the neuroscience and the impact words have on our experience. I recently attended the Racial Justice Summit hosted by the YWCA Madison with more than 800 participants to deepen my learning through workshops and presentations from nationally-known speakers, Climbing PoeTree and Annahid Dashtgard. Climbing PoeTree was a powerful duo sharing spoken word, rap and poetry “as a tool to expose injustice, channel hope into vision and make a better future visible, immediate and irresistible.” Annahid Dashtgard, a Toronto-based educator, led a session highlighting the framework of her recently published book, Breaking The Ocean: A Memoir of Race, Rebellion and Reconciliation. She approaches EDI work from a lens of belonging: “Belonging is our birthright. It straddles the individual and systemic levels of existence, toggling between the psychological truth that we are all the same and the political truth that we are divided by access to power.” Dashtgard believes that we have to regain our wholeness internally before we can work toward changing systems externally. When we experience belonging, we are activating oxytocin and the parasympathetic nervous system which allow us to calm ourselves and shift the external environment. When we feel exclusion, we are in a state of vigilance, activating cortisol and our reactive nervous system. As I processed Dashtgard’s challenge to the conference participants, I could delineate the C-IQ skills that support the process of building bridges of inclusion and belonging: Making the Invisible Visible: Bringing attention to the unseen dynamics and patterns in conversations, and engage in dialogue to shift these patterns. Deconstructing Conversations: Examine what was said, how it was said and the impact it had on the receiver, in relation to the intention of the sender. Co-regulation: Partnering to down-regulate cortisol and fear, and up-regulate oxytocin and trust. This skill builds a foundation of co-creating a new reality. How do we begin? We begin from the basis that we are all the same in wanting to belong. Start with self and understanding: When do I feel like I belong? When do I feel excluded? Once you are able to identify the micro-signals of belonging and exclusion, you are building your social-emotional literacy to give words to your experience. This gives you the ability to use Conversational Intelligence® skills to move from the personal experience to the institutional and systemic levels to reduce the barriers that create inequity. The journey of transformation of our global society requires that each of us individually take steps to restore our individual wholeness and collectively shift the external environment. Together we can co-create a culture of belonging. Together we can co-create a culture of belonging. Let’s connect to chart our path toward this new reality. (1) “Within .07 seconds of being 10 feet of someone, our brain is determining if this person is a friend or foe. ” — Page 103 of Conversational Intelligence by Judith E. Glaser (2) “Cortisol has a shelf-life of 26 hours, leaving a lasting impact on our perceptions.” — Page 104 of Conversational Intelligence by Judith E. Glaser
