Finding Our Way from Distrust to Connection In the wake of multiple acts of excessive violence against humanity, including the mass shootings in Buffalo and Uvalde and the Russian invasion of Ukraine, I know I am navigating the feelings of despair, hopelessness, fear, and emotional numbness. All of this is on top of more than two years of the pandemic. How do we find our way out of such darkness? Over these past two years, I have relied on my training in Conversational Intelligence® to guide me and clients toward conversations that move from distrust to connection. I think about the wisdom of Judith E. Glaser, mother of Conversational Intelligence® who sadly departed the physical world in November 2018. What would she be offering us at this time? Her work is based on decades of research on the neuroscience of conversation. “To get to our next level of greatness depends on the quality of our culture, which depends on the quality of our relationships, which depends on the quality of our conversations. Everything happens through conversations.” Our brain is wired to determine whether the information we receive makes us feel like we are “In or Out” of a social group. In .07 seconds our amygdala makes this determination and either pumps cortisol to position ourselves for survival OR pumps oxytocin and moves us to a state of safety and connection. I came across this article written by Judith in 2017, offering a few steps to move from dis-ease to ease through connection. Invite to connect: If you are sensing a disconnect, move toward the other person. How can you move toward them without stress to activate positive energies? Mind-and Heart-Map: The heart connection is vital for relationships. It is the gateway of your emotions. If you feel excluded, judged or rejected, your neurochemistry changes. You will see reality as unfair, harsh, and critical. Conversely, when you feel included, you see reality with possibility and optimism. You look for good things to happen. When you reach out to connect, you are remapping your mind-heart connection. Conversational Agility: When you sense you are moving toward stress and distrust, you can use the tools of Reframe, Refocus and Redirect to move toward a mindset of connection. Reframing takes a difficult situation and turns it into an opportunity. Moving from what was lost to what did you learn from that loss? Refocusing allows you to move from a place of being stuck to a larger topic where there may be connections you had not seen before. Redirecting moves you from a place of being stuck to a place of new possibilities. It only takes .07 seconds to move in either direction. With awareness and practice, you can move toward positivity and optimism. To learn more about the tools of Conversational Agility, check out this blog post or listen to this episode of Minutes with Mary.
Livestream Interview | The Helping Conversation Podcast As you may know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In years past, May passed without me giving much thought to how my mental health was. It is the start of Spring here in the upper Midwest with the flowers and trees growing exponentially every day. It always lifts my spirits as a time of renewal and possibility. And over the last two “Mays”, as humans, we have lived through incredible challenges and grief. The murder of George Floyd in May 2020 and many other traumas we have endured. The global pandemic has resulted in required isolation. All of these factors weigh heavily on the human spirit, even for those who have vibrant and robust mental health. For 2021’s Mental Health Awareness Month, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) amplified the message of “You Are Not Alone.” They focused on the healing value of connecting in safe ways, prioritizing mental health and acknowledging that it’s okay to not be okay. Now more than ever, we need to lift up ways to stay connected with our community. The most powerful way to stay connected is through conversation. During May, I was honored to be invited as a guest on Keith Greer’s “The Helping Conversation” podcast. Keith is also a certified Conversational Intelligence® coach. The Helping Conversation podcast explores conversations that “focus on supporting a person in the moment, and/or, supporting the overall growth and development of a person, group or organization.” Having conversations that build trust, increase our sense of belonging and belief that we are not alone. Click here to watch our interview with “The Helping Conversation” podcast.
Listen to the entire Conversational Intelligence® Mini-Series Podcast! Several years ago, I took part in a 7-month course on Conversational Intelligence®, (also known as C-IQ) facilitated by Judith E. Glaser. The curriculum explored how parts of the brain influence the outcome of conversations. While attending a virtual gathering on Martin Luther King Jr. holiday this year, I had the privilege of connecting with Deb Shannon, another certified C-IQ coach. We decided to launch this mini-series podcast to offer tools to support the conversations that we are called to have during this time. We are living in an era that has rocked our foundation on so many levels: the global pandemic, racial reckoning, economic collapse, and the climate crisis. We hope you enjoy this six-part mini-series on Conversational Intelligence®! Episode 1 – Know Yourself In the first episode of the Conversational Intelligence® mini-series, Deb and I will begin with some of the foundational building blocks for having difficult conversations. Episode 2 – Three Levels of Conversation In this episode, Deb and I will discuss the three levels of conversation and how you can identify what level of conversation you are having. Then we’ll provide some tips about how to level up or level down to achieve great outcomes! Episode 3 – Conversational Agility: Reframe, Refocus, Redirect In Episode 3 of the Conversational Intelligence® mini-series, Deb and I discuss how we can get clarity about definitions and terms, in moments of uncertainty. We’ll pull back the curtain on the meaning of Double Clicking and provide concrete examples of how to ask for the deeper meaning of a word or commonly used phrases. When a meaningful conversation requires more than mutual agreement of definitions, we use conversational agility to reframe, refocus and redirect the mindset of the speaker, which opens access to different parts of the brain. Using these tools ensures that at the end of a meeting your team agrees on much more than definitions. Episode 4 – Navigating Conversational Assumptions In this episode, Deb and I discuss tools to remap relationships toward greater trust and navigate conversations with greater success. When things start to go awry in conversations it is often due to conversational assumptions. If you can become more aware of these assumptions, you will have higher-quality conversations with others. Episode 5 – Navigating Conversational Assumptions Part 2 In this episode, Deb and I discuss more tools to remap relationships toward greater trust and navigate conversations with greater success. When things start to go awry in conversations it is often due to assumptions we make from an ‘I’ mindset, rather than a ’We’ mindset. When you are more aware of your own thought processes, experiences, and assumptions, you can shift them to consider the larger picture and the result…higher quality conversations! Episode 6 – Mary & Deb’s Favorite Conversational Intelligence Tips & Tools In our final episode of the Conversational Intelligence® mini-series, Deb and I will recap some of our favorite tips and tools to put at your fingertips listeners, so that you can muster the “will” to have that next challenging conversation. “Minutes with Mary” episodes are available on the following platforms: Spotify, iTunes, Google Podcasts, iHeart Radio and Stitcher
Tools for Courageous Conversations As we enter this new year, I can’t help but think about the changes that I wish to see in 2021. One of the most pressing issues that our nation currently faces is racial injustice. In May 2020, the world watched people take to the streets across the United States with outrage caused by the horrific killing of a black man, George Floyd. Unfortunately, George Floyd’s story is not the first time we’ve seen acts of extreme racial injustice in our country, however, his story has brought light to the long-standing structural issue of racism that can no longer be ignored. The Biden administration has made it clear that tackling racial injustice is one of its top priorities, and as community members, we all share a responsibility in creating a better, more just world for everyone. Learning how to have conversations about white privilege, white supremacy, racism and racial injustice is the first step in resolving these deep rooted issues. This seems like a simple first step, but in reality, addressing difficult topics is never easy. So, how do we have these types of conversations? Where do we begin? To better understand how to have difficult conversations, Vista Global will be launching a mini-series of podcast episodes that highlight the important role that Conversational Intelligence (C-IQ) plays in engaging in hard conversation. To kick off this series, we have created a toolkit for tips on getting started. Tools for Courageous Conversations Recently, I completed certification as a Conversational Intelligence coach. When starting your courageous conversation, it’s helpful to have the right tools on hand that assist with making the connection between neuroscience and the quality and effectiveness of our conversations. 1. Know Yourself In order to empathize with someone else, you need to be in tune with yourself. Look to understand your personal triggers—in other words, the comments or questions that send your brain to a place of protection or defensiveness. When we become defensive, we obstruct our ability to have a productive conversation. Take a moment to reflect on a recent high-stress conversation. What did you experience physically, emotionally, and mentally? Learning from our worst conversations helps us avoid those traps in the future. 2. Make Trust Your Goal The level of trust in a relationship has the single greatest impact on the quality of a conversation. Every interaction, big or small, is an opportunity to build trust with others, even if you don’t think you see eye to eye. 3. Recognize Assumptions When things go off track in a conversation, it’s often because there is a gap between intention and impact. Our intention is what we hope our words communicate, and the impact is what the receiver understands. The gap between intention and impact is a conversational “reality gap.” The easiest way to recover is to use a tool called “Double-Clicking.” Double-clicking means following up with additional questions to confirm that the listener understands your intention. We often assume that others understand what we mean, but this assumption can lead to friction and misunderstandings. Double-clicking helps close the gap between what the speaker means and what the listener hears. Each of these tools will help you engage in courageous conversations with compassion and confidence. Courage is needed in conversations in all areas of our lives. NOW is the time to take that step. Need help framing your next #CourageousConversation? Stay tuned for the podcast mini-series launching soon! Check out my blog series below on the full Conversational Intelligence toolkit, or get in touch for coaching on how to start your next courageous conversation. Blog Series Listening to Connect: The Neuroscience of Coaching and Conversational Intelligence What We Can Learn from Our Worst Conversations Creating the Environment: Moving from Distrust to Trust Avoid Assumptions To Navigate the Conversational Highway Asking Questions For Which You Have No Answers Build Your Conversation Agility: Align Your Intention With Your Impact Developing the “I Inside the We” Which Brain is Driving Your Conversation?
Finding our way in the New Normal… As the month of March began, we were watching the Coronavirus spread across China and Europe but here across the pond, we continued to operate as business as usual. I look back at notes I took at client meetings and coaching calls during the first week of March and it feels like it was a different reality. Indeed it was… since then, our inboxes and feeds have been exploding with news of the spread of the virus across Europe, U.S. and North America. Restrictions are being put in place daily to flatten the curve. We are trying to find a new rhythm of life navigating COVID-19. We are experiencing the metamorphosis of a new world order. With this sudden dramatic shift in our daily routine, our brains revert to our most primitive state, the reptilian brain. “What is going on? How can this be happening? This isn’t real. This doesn’t make any sense? I need to protect myself”. The reptilian brain is the oldest part of our brain, developed in primitive humans to make decisions to protect us from the lions, tigers and bears. When we are in our primitive brain we are reactive, we take a stance of fighting, fleeing, appeasing or freezing. None of these stances can help us navigate this new normal. If you have been reading my blog over the last few years, you have seen some posts about Conversational Intelligence® or C-IQ. Conversational Intelligence is about moving from the “I-Centric” primitive brain to the “We-Centric” prefrontal cortex part of the brain. The capabilities that reside in the prefrontal cortex are empathy, creativity and innovation. These are the skills we need to find our way in the new normal. Photo source: Conversational Intelligence® for Coaches What does it take to move from the primitive brain to the prefrontal cortex? Recognize you are in your primitive brain and take several breaths. This calms the nervous system and slows down the cortisol which is the hormone activated by this fear response. Reduce the amount of media you consume about the pandemic (don’t scroll your phone before bed or immediately when you wake up). This allows your brain to start and end the day with more optimism. Reach out to friends and family members who are finding their way in this new normal. We may have “stay at home” orders in place but humans are social beings. We need social solidarity to move to the prefrontal cortex. Take Microsteps of creating new habits. There are SO MANY resources out there but I really like what Thrive Global is curating in their new series, “Thriving in the New Normal” that offers Microsteps about sleep, nutrition, stress, and more to help us proactively strengthen our immune system and build resilience. During this time, our initial tendency is to go to that primitive brain and hunker down, hoping that it will pass. We all know now that we are in this together for the long haul. We are co-creating our new normal. If you are in your primitive brain, feeling lost, stuck, not knowing what steps to take, let’s chat. I am here for you and look forward to co-creating the new normal with empathy, creativity and innovation. A new normal that works for all of us.
The Wisdom of the Brain is Expanding This post originally published on December 4, 2017 has been updated. In July 2017, Judith Glaser’s seven-month Conversational Intelligence® program culminated with an in-person graduation event in New York City. Vista Global Coaching & Consulting joined over 200 coaches in New York plus hundreds of other participants live-streaming from across the globe. As a group, participants spent the majority of the day in a brain simulation exercise to help us synthesize all seven modules through experiential learning. Each table explored five parts of the brain. Heart brain Primitive brain Limbic Neocortex Prefrontal Cortex The simulation provided us a deeper understanding of the nuances and patterns of each part of the brain, how they interact, network and integrate. The importance of communication beyond mere words is not a recent discovery. In 1967, Albert Mehrabian isolated three elements that play a role in effective communication. In terms of importance, people allocate 55% to nonverbal behavior; 38% to tone of voice and just 7% to words. In another study conducted by Professor Uri Hasson at Princeton University, he found that successful communication was noted when the speaker and listener brains showed the same patterns of activation. Their brains were synchronized. “Co-creating Conversations have the power to literally rewire our brains.” — Judith Glaser The Five Brains HEART BRAIN The heart brain is the most basic of our wiring. It syncs like Wi-Fi. The heart brain has 89 nodes that blood goes through and it reads chemistry and other components necessary for health. It sends messages all over the body and brain. When the rhythm and timing of the heart is a smooth wave it sends calm messages. When it is erratic, you can’t send messages beyond what is immediately demanding your attention. If you slow down, breathe intentionally in and out, not only through your lungs but your heart, you are able to connect with other hearts neurochemically that are within 10 feet of you. To connect to the heart brain in a positive way, as soon as you come in contact with someone, prime them for trust by saying hello, shaking their hand, send positive intentions their direction. This opens the brain up to the other person to synch with this positivity. PRIMITIVE BRAIN The primitive brain is the oldest brain, it is hardwired to sensor threats and protect us from harm to our body or ego. In .07 seconds our brain determines if someone is a friend or foe and acts accordingly. Whether you go into fight, flight, freeze or appease mode, the primitive brain is only concerned about protection. You will not have access to any higher functioning thought when the primitive brain is activated. Using the skill of “double clicking” supports the shift from the primitive brain. Words create worlds and if the primitive brain is activated in a conversation, there was a trigger word or nonverbal message. Use “double clicking” to ask, “what does that mean to you? Or “what was the meaning of that nonverbal expression?” It allows the primitive brain to move from fear and distrust to a place of curiosity, understanding to establish safety. LIMBIC BRAIN The limbic brain stores all of your emotional experiences. It is the part of the brain that deciphers, “where do I fit in”. It reads social context and scans for exclusion and inclusion in a community. It provides the emotional continuum for moving toward or away from others. Using the skill of “listening to connect” is to not judge, confirm or reject but listen with a focus on the other person, not you. It is more than listening to understand, which is often to confirm what you already believe. By connecting to their emotional world, you will foster greater inclusion and exploration of a co-created path. © Benchmark Communications, Inc. and The CreatingWE® Institute. All rights reserved. NEOCORTEX The neocortex is hardwired for language, storing information, basic thinking, reasoning and cognitive skills. It holds our working memory and our stored memory. The brain has the capability for simultaneity, being in steady state and change at the same time. To activate the neocortex, use the conversational skill of “asking questions for which you have no answers”. When you ask these types of questions, you are in a discovery mindset and the other person feels the curiosity. It puts the person in a more trusting and receptive state of mind. Together you create a conversational space for a completely new reality to emerge. PREFRONTAL CORTEX The youngest brain is the prefrontal cortex and often is called the “executive brain.” It is hardwired for the higher-level coordination of the whole brain. It provides us with mastery of more complex functions such as the ability to envision the future, create scenarios, step into someone else’s shoes, experience empathy, think strategically and make decisions. The skill of “conversational agility” activates the prefrontal cortex. If a conflict is brewing, the prefrontal cortex recognizes patterns. By using “reframe, refocus and redirect” it enables people to interrupt patterns, accessing new energy, for insight and wisdom to emerge. In 2018, CreatingWe Institute, identified the sixth brain, the Gut-Brain that verifies the relationship in the intuitive saying of “go with your gut”. GUT-BRAIN The gut brain is revolutionizing medicine’s understanding of the links between digestion, mood, health and how we think. Scientists call this little brain the enteric nervous system (ENS). It is a bidirectional relationship between your brain and your stomach. Stress is related to the lack of biodiversity in the gut flora. Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is located in the EC [enterochromaffin] cells of the GI tract, where they regulate intestinal movements. Serotonin plays a key role in cognition, specifically in learning and memory. Whole Brain Access How often do you experience or witness your team being stuck in the primitive or limbic brain, not able to access the more expansive, creative and innovative areas of your neocortex and prefrontal cortex? With just a few minor shifts in using Conversational Intelligence® tools, you can transform the level of trust and quality of your conversations which in turn can move you to the next level of greatness in your organization. Interested in how C-IQ can help improve your leadership skills or your organization’s team? Contact Mary to set up a customized workshop session and more. Stay tuned for more C-IQ tips! This is part of a blog series on Conversational Intelligence® course by Judith E. Glaser. Check out related blogs such as “Asking Questions for Which You Have No Answers” and “Moving from Distrust to Trust.”
